By Connie Wilson
When happily ever after is suddenly interrupted by parents ending their marriage in divorce, the world of a child transforms. Their reliable, safe haven called home turns into a tenuous place full of fear, doubt and confusion. Often, even the most concerned parents become consumed by their own emotional turmoil. And some parents are so involved in their own emotional upset, they leave children to figure things out for themselves.
During a divorce, most children must deal with intense emotional turmoil from the perspective of a helpless observer. But young people can benefit if their feelings are at least acknowledged and understood by parents and other concerned adults. These feelings and concerns may fluctuate in intensity as the days and months go by.
SHOCK - The shock of a divorce can dumb a child's feelings, protecting him/her from the overwhelming sadness and confusion before them. The shock can last for a long or short time and can reappear whenever chaos strikes. It also masks the child's pain from others. When a child appears to be taking a divorce well, it is important to remember they are still grappling with endless questions that reach the core of their being: Where will I live? Where will my parents, brothers, sisters, pets live? What about holidays, birthdays and sport events" What about our summer camping trip?
LOSS - In a divorce, children face sudden, immeasurable and unexpected losses. The children go back and forth between parent's homes and have their lives uprooted on a regular basis. In doing so, they are constantly reminded that the thing they miss most is their other parent. They face the loss of life as they've known it - and an uncertain future.
ANGER - Having to endure change is at the root of much anger. Children don't want their parents to divorce, they don't want to move, they don't want to see only one parent at a time, and they don't want to be in the middle of their parent's ongoing feuds. Sadness often results in anger, perhaps as a self-protection mechanism that allows a child to direct emotions outward rather than inward. If gentle understanding and relationg to their fears doesn't help, it may be a good time to seek professional help.
WORRY - A child with limited worries prior to divorce suddenly faces worries of insurmountable propotions. When will I see Mom and Dad? Will they be fighting? Who will pick me up from school: Children can worry so much that they lose their ability to think clearly or concentrate in school.
SHAME - Some children feel so ashamed about their parents divorce, they don't even talk to their best friends about it. This isolates them from the help they need to move through the situations healthfully. Others may be motivated by their mortification to seek out other kids with divorced parents. This way they get a realistic view of the situation, are likely to begin to feel that things are not as dreadful as they originally feared and generate a new support system.
RELIEF -Some children may feel relief when their parents sepearate, especially if they have been exposed to persistent fighting or violence.
It is only speculation, not supported by scientific studies, but respect seems to be the key issue in helping the kids to feel safe during and after a divorce. A broken home doesn't necessarily mean the children's hearts have to be broken. They will certainly be tender at first, and how we approach our children and our ex-spouse will affect how quickly and how well our children adjust.
If you know a young person who is having a difficult time during a divorce, contact your employee assistance program.
collapse...By Connie Wilson
When happily ever after is suddenly interrupted by parents ending their marriage in divorce, the world of a child transforms. Their reliable, safe haven called home turns into a tenuous place full of fear, doubt and confusion. Often, even the most concerned parents become consumed by their own emotional turmoil. And some parents are so involved in their own emotional upset, they leave children to figure things out for themselves.
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